And now for the complete Seth Meyers CFDA speech. Don’t drink anything while reading this or it will come out of your nose.
I hope that you like me, but fashion people like hating things more than they like liking things, so I win either way. I’ve also been told that this awards ceremony is often referred to as the Oscars of fashion, which is appropriate because I have often been referred to as the Billy Crystal of fashion.
As a comedian, I have to say that this gig is a dream come true, because you know what they say about the world of high fashion: It’s just a bunch of easygoing, laid-back people who love to laugh at themselves. You could even say that fashion and comedy go together like Bar Mitzvahs and Galliano. [Long pause, with awkward laughs.] No one in this room got where they were without taking a risk. I just took one, and I think we can all agree I shouldn’t have. That joke went so badly I’m going to get fired from Dior.
I’ve been told tickets tonight were expensive: $7,500. If that’s too expensive, you can get tickets for a tenth of the price over at Topshop. But I should warn you that even though they look like the same tickets, they will fall apart in your hands.
First, the great thing about the CFDAs is how it honors American designers. Some would argue that Europeans are more fashionable than Americans, but judging by European tourists in New York, I do not agree. You see, I work at Rockefeller Center and walk through Times Square every day. So I see that European tourists not only dress worse than Americans, they dress worse than American tourists, which is saying a lot. In case you’re curious, the hot new look this season is a family of five Germans all wearing the same windbreaker, pants tucked into their socks like they’re about to go for a hike, and a dad wearing a backpack large enough to fit the whole family if need be. Now of course, many Europeans are cutting-edge when it comes to fashion. I’ve been told that this season’s color is a sort of tangerine orange, so Valentino’s skin is way ahead of the curve. Valentino is impossible to be like: he’s getting an arm surgically attached so that he can hold more dogs. Oh, wait for it.
But let’s be honest: Fashion is bigger than ever in America now. I mean, look at all the fashion TV shows — Fashion Star, Rachel Zoe, Project Runway — and this fall on NBC, tune into Karl Lagerfeld’s Are You Fatter Than a Fifth Grader?
Something else that’s very exciting: Brad Pitt has been named the new face of Chanel. He’s a good-looking guy for sure, but I’m not sure he’s the guy you look at and think, ‘I bet he smells great. Who doesn’t want the musk of a man who carries five children around all day at the Beverly Center?’ Still, I’m looking forward to the commercial where Brad Pitt runs barefoot through a mansion in a long flowing gown. That would be a fun look.
Speaking of a fun look, let’s give it up for the look of the year: Marc Jacobs’s Met Gala outfit! Can we take a look at that for a second? Yes! That is a long way to go to prove you’re wearing a clean pair of underwear! Must be so nice heading to the Met having no fear that someone is wearing the same outfit as you. Hey guys, who wore it better: Marc Jacobs, or the window at an Italian funeral home? You know what’s fun — picturing Marc Jacobs wearing that outfit to the Metropolitan Museum of Art on any other day. Would they even let him in? ‘Sorry sir, but this is a museum. I understand that you bought a ticket, but there are like, field trips going on. I don’t care how many stores you own on Bleecker; you can’t come in.’ True story: I live on Bleecker and 11th, above what used to be the Biography Bookstore, and it was so convenient when we were heading off for a trip and needed to buy a book at the last minute. Now Biography is Marc Jacobs’s bookstore, Bookmarc, which is so convenient when I’m heading off for a trip and need to buy a last-minute, 50 pound coffee table book with pictures of lifeguards from the sixties.
But Marc Jacobs is just one of the many incredible nominees tonight. Tommy Hilfiger is winning the lifetime achievement award tonight! Give it up for Tommy Hilfiger. I’ve long been an admirer of Tommy and his clothes. Wearing Tommy Hilfiger tells people, ‘Yes, I know what a spinnaker is.’ [Pause.] Obviously, you don’t wear Tommy Hilfiger.
It’s an incredible night tonight. I hope you have a wonderful time. As a final note, tonight for the first time in CFDA history, if you lose in your category, you can challenge the winner to a walk-off. You’ll be judged on posture, speed and how angry you look. The walk-offs will be held at 3 a.m. on the roof of the Standard; not the Boom Boom Room, the literal roof.
In closing, I want to tell you all that it doesn’t matter who wins or who loses tonight. Trophies are important. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. Nah, I’m just fucking with you, don’t worry about it. Thank you very much and enjoy the show.