Happy Hipster Halloween!
Things that are disturbing… The amount of people who didn’t know I was being a douchebag hipster for Halloween… The amount of girls who swooned over my greasy curl… and lastly, the fact that all these douchy douchebag trinkets and clothing were all present in my closet well before I decided to dress up as the ultimate douchebag hipster. I know unbelievable right! I even owned those red flame non-prescription prescription glasses… oh yes I did.
All night I would constantly butt in front of lines claiming arrogantly that “I knew the DJ” or some other irrelevant prose intended to win me authority. I would incessantly hit on girls I knew were taken… most of which knew I was married… to a man… epic first class one-way ticket to douchebag central station.
I originally wanted to be Karl Lagerfeld but all the white hairspray paint was already sold out so… this was my natural next step.
Here are some facts about Hipster Douchebag Douchebaggery you may not already be aware of:
- Sunglasses are necessary… especially at night
- Security camera’s outside an apartment are totally necessary… even if it’s just your mom who visits.
- 3-D televisions make you more of a man. “Wanna watch my big screen Brah?” “No Brah! Big Screen is out! Try my 3-D TV… BRAH!”
- Saying Brah adds swagger and pimps your mouth!
- Wearing drop crotch pants MAKES YOU!
- Expressing feelings (especially just before getting into a violent argument with someone) adds character.
- Conversely not caring about something really important and choosing Jägerbombs instead; makes you popular.
- Popping collars keeps your neck warm while a ridiculously plunging deep V neckline is the answer to a warm chest…
ll this and more in my new book… How to be a D-bag hipster and why it may save your life, but not your political or social reputation.
Images: Matthew St. James