How to Order Coffee Like a Decent Human Being

How to Order Coffee Without Sounding Like a Tool

Ever see someone you’re in to fail at ordering coffee and shake your head…I have! For now, let’s just assume that this person is “person x” they managed to put them self together before heading out the door into the big wide world. Person ‘x‘ is cute, so cute girl/boy (AKA: person ‘x‘) strolls into the coffee shop looking fine, catches my attention (I’m easily distracted, maybe I’m waiting for my date) and proceeds to vomit their order everywhere, or has no clue what they’re ordering…. And just like that, we’re done. You’ve gone from cute to one the two:

1) You’re deceitful. You can’t come in here, hair majestically blowing -in an air vortex, that one can only surmise is being generated, contained and controlled by the hair itself, flawless skin and carefully selected attire, only to sound like a tool. You’re lying. You looked so put together, possibly traveled, surely educated, now you’re simply false-as-hell.

2) You arrived to our fair planet mere weeks ago and are still struggling with the finer points. It’s not your fault you’re an alien. Either way, no one wants to get mixed up in that alien drama.

I see it far too frequently for my liking. I’ve taken a shinning to writing, and on occasion reading at cafe’s. No I’m not that douche who orders one tea for four hours, I have a 45 min and two drink rule. Why? because I get super pissed off at the losers that spend-all-day-take-up-my-seat-and-never-order-anything-except-one-2-dollar-beverage-from-the-money-they-found-in-the-pants-they-haven’t-washed-since-last-winter. So why be a hypocrite about it. Tantrum aside… I’ve had the opportunity to note an alarming lack of coffee savvy.

Bottom line, if you’ve spent the time and money to look as if you’ve perambulated off the pages of a magazine – all to go grab a coffee – doesn’t it behoove you, person ‘x‘ to order like the dapper, or chic lady/gentlemen you’re trying to portray? Yes. It does.

What you need to know about Java. A Primer:

Coffee comes from a variety of coffee beans (duh). To learn more about them check out Wikipedia here
If you really want to cozy up to coffee, here’s a list of the different sorts. Though much variety exists in coffee beyond light, dark and decaf, nine times out of ten you’ll be ordering something like a latte. So, let’s chat about Espresso (a strong black coffee made by forcing steam through ground coffee beans).
There are loads of espresso based drinks. Wanna know the difference between a Café latte and a Capitano (other than one is clearly French and the other Italian)? Sure you do, that way you’ll know what you’re supposed to get next time you order an espresso based bevy in Paris, Rome, or just the good ‘ol Starbucks around the corner.
Time for the almighty infograph (love these!). Here are the basics. There’s a more comprehensive diagram in the slider above (click to enlarge it).
If you want to learn more, there are copious articles on subject, they’ll walk you through the caffeinated world. I’d suggest this one. And if you’re in Spain try this. If you’re in Italy order like this, France, like this. Last but not least, when at Starbucks order like this (the Starbucks coffee code revealed), I’m sure your barsita will appreciate it.

That should cover it.

Here’s something funny from Buzzfeed. What do you think? Does your choice of caffeinated beverage define you in some over generalized way?

Update:
This just came to my attention from Yale:
A study at Yale University reveals that our perception of a stranger’s personality is drastically affected by the temperature of the cup of coffee we happen to be holding in our hands. If it’s iced coffee, he’s more likely to leave us cold—we might give him a frosty reception or maybe even the cold shoulder. On the other hand, if we’re cupping a mug of steaming coffee, we’ll probably really warm up to him, and things might heat up later on.

So, note to self: When on a date ensure you and your perspective suitor have a hot beverage 😉 It might just pay off later…