Okay Are You Ready For This? Oscars Best and Worst Starts Now.
Though most of the women on the red carpet were “gorgeous” (minus Patricia Arquette’s hair… Beetlejuice called – he wants that back) not all the dresses could boast that adjective. Being hot is more than just perfectly airbrushed makeup and beautifully toned bodies. You have to have a dress, shoes, jewelry and amazing hair that matches your perfection. It’s like a good PB&J… though few ingredients are required, if one is done incorrectly or missing altogether, the sandwich falls flat and beauty morphs to beast. Yeah I just compared the red carpet to a sandwich… them’s the breaks.
To kick this biotch into the right gear let’s start with our beauty with the golden trophy… Julianne Moore. Her Chanel was like watching paint dry. Chanel paint but paint none-the-less… She was pretty but so is a snowflake… It’s also common as hell. Nothing more to mention there.
Then we had Anna Kendrick who apparently thought it was a beach party and side-boobs were just what the doctor ordered… speaking of boobs and doctors she is looking VERY “chest forward” these days… are those new? Anyway the Thakoon dress was pretty in person and but pretty won’t win you an Oscar… at least not on this blog.
This pains me. Like Child Birth… but Cate My Favorite Ever Blanchett in Margiela was like that Jason Statham cage fighting movie… ‘Safe’… Yeah. That.
The statement necklace, or cluster of infected barnacles clashed with the neckline and the velvet dress was unbelievably blasé. Why didn’t she read my How To Wear A Statement Necklace article? This all could have been avoided if the dress had a train and instead of wearing a blown up version of what I assume is the plague around her neck she stuck with diamonds. BUT EVEN THEN this would have been a safe look. Count your blessings Cate if I didn’t love you an iota less than I do you would have been in my worst category.
I have a LOT of dresses in this category but I’ll narrow it down to three because I respect your time. Rosamund Pike REALLY turned it our and turned around my opinion of her in terms of red carpet style. I bashed her good and proper at the Golden Globes but she looks incredible. Red is always going to get into my good books and this dress was no exception. The lace floral inlay was expertly done and the sheer silk band that hugged her waist was slimming and added something to the dress that took it from ordinary to WOW!
Some people said they didn’t like her shoes or her claw feet but you work with what you got and I think she looked great.
Laura Dern looked like she was wrapped in a pressed tin ceiling. But I LOVED it! It beamed light in all directions and I’m 3/4 magpie so I naturally went ape-shit. Her dress appeared to be the most uncomfortable thing which I’m not gonna lie… adds to this look for me. Suffer for Alberta Ferretti and she’s gonna make sure you look great. It’s in the contract somewhere, fine print… look it up.
Now my very BEST look was Scarlett Johansson. Her Versace had boning in all the right places and that green made her dazzle. It made everyone on that carpet turn and look at her. Incredible. And for the record… that IS how you’re supposed to wear a statement necklace. Stunning!
Also Omg love her hair. Okay I’m done.
I know it’s what you’ve been waiting for so here it is, the broken bitches in busted ballgowns.
Since Oscar de la Renta’s death this past year… it seems that style from the house, has also died. The navy tube that Sienna Miller wore to the Oscars was sloppy, unattractive and if there were a better time to use the word ratchet I’d like to hear about it. She looked SO beautiful… but her dress was a navy barf bag.
Lady Gaga shocks and amazes us. Unfortunately her red carpet look was more shock and awwww than shock and awe. Apparently it took months of laborers to make this Azzedine Alaïa gown… they could have been doing so many other more useful things… making me a PB&J, or like… a million of them. At least their efforts wouldn’t have gone to waste. I know the gloves were awful, everyone knows that. It ALMOST went without saying… but I just did so… yeah… what was she thinking? “Just finished the dishes now off to the Oscars! Oh shit I knew I forgot something…” That or she murdered an entire family in her limo before the show and those gloves actually used to be white… Gross.But I have to say her performance was inspiring and as of last night Gaga is relevant once more.
You know that feeling that comes with saying “I can’t even.” Well that is the same feeling I had when I saw Nicole Kidman in that wretched Louis Vuitton thing she had on. Nothing can drown out a pale ginger quite like that so I’m pretty sure she got an award for that. And then there was that belt. What the? It’s red on an opalescent dress… that’s, let’s be honest… just a bedazzled tube sock. Nicole… you are by FAR my worst dressed this year. In fact that look actually angered me. What? I’m passionate.
So that’s it for this year’s 87th Academy Awards. Like I said before, everyone looked great but so many people just made some seriously BAD decisions when it came to dresses.
I quickly wanted to say Emma Stone looked good in that Elie Saab couture gown… bad color though. Rita Ora was my best dressed at the Globes and she looked intense on the red carpet BUT her performance gown had an “ew” factor of 10. Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Aniston were in all honesty tied for 4th best dressed in Givenvchy Couture and Versace respectively, but that only gets you an honorable mention here.
Felicity Jones also killed it in that McQueen however the rest of her was as interesting as mud. Lupita Nyong’o was a spectacle in her pearl dress. I thought it looked amazing but most people disagree. Margot Robbie in Saint Laurent was great until ou got to the bottom.. it was way too long and she looked like she was in mourning instead of celebrating the Oscars.
So like I said a lot of really great looks… see I’m such a nice guy 🙂