Let’s Start With The Worst Dressed
It’s 2015 and thanks to the Golden Globes I already demolished my resolution dedicated to cleaning my potty mouth, murdered my goal to quit talking sh*t about celebrities and I personally have to thank J. Lo for slaughtering my New Year mission responsible for not allowing me to use short form’s in a sentence. She made me say “OMG WTF is that? I Die… AYFKMWTS? (Are you f*cking kidding me with this sh*t?)”
But Zuhair Murad, J. Lo’s long time red carpet concubine, wasn’t kidding. His tent-turned-drapes-turned-dress was splashed across social media like a live murder, and wasn’t it? Well I know one thing that was murdered… my respect for her. When you are going to go all “Medieval-Worrioress” on our asses please use some double sided tape so we don’t get a healthy dose of nipple… FTLOG (For The Love Of God) Rosamund Pike’s newborn is going to latch onto those nippples and won’t that be embarrassing… Speaking of Rosamund Pike —
Pike just had a baby like 5 minutes ago. Okay, now… I understand that she is a celebrity (and even a Bond girl) so that means she has to get into the most revealing thing that can be sold to a human female in the shortest amount of time after giving birth to, make headlines and to show the world that pregnancy doesn’t impact her….
A N Y W A Y
She shouldn’t have worn this dress. It looked TERRIBLE on her.
When someone says “Won’t someone please think of the children” I’m sure this isn’t what they meant. Although come to think of it… it would probably be pretty easy to breast feed with… Good thinking Vera Wang. Always the practical designer.
Hey over here
HEY. Look at me… I’m a sausage wrapped in a Lifestyles Tuxedo Condom (the black ones) wrapped in tire and my name is Jennifer Aniston!
… That’s all.
And for the Finale, I give you the intersection of Blerg and Yuck where a red satin oversized Christmas bell lives to be the life of some hideously tacky party. Someone told me today that Zac Posen is actually Lena Dunham’s friend! Friend’s don’t let friend’s dress like the ding-dong from Taco Bell.
As a double finale can we also talk quickly about this haphazard disaster? Tiziana Rocca is someone who… someone that… well, I’m sure she has a huge instagram following… Anyway, what the serious f*ck is she wearing? Also I actually don’t know who made that dress but… well who cares? When pink silk waterfalls from black swarovski embellishments laid upon a pedestrian crosswalk I cringe and I know you do too. Good point, Rocca is FIT!
Now let’s shed the hate and chat about these gorgeous babes wearing some gorgeous dresses. Adams in Versace looks literally stunning (I’d prefer a different color but I’m just spliting hairs now), Moore (in Armani Privee) is a feathery shiny mermaid and Kendrick in Monique Lhullier is pretty, but kind of… you know… simple. Now onto the Greats!
Now for the Best of the best at the 72 Anual Golden Globes. I have to start with Kate Hudson in Versace, It was fitted to perfection, with the dress revealing just enough to know she’d look just as good without it. Perfection ….Did I mention it was p e r f e c t i o n? I’m not actually grasping at words here, it just seems like the best fit (get it? Best Fit! Ha!) I gagged hard (in a good way, yes there is such a thing. I’ll explain when you’re older) when I saw her move in this dress. No ponch, no side fat. Just… what’s that word again…perfection! Love this woman on ANY red carpet ANYWHERE!
Another one that was a shocker to me, Allison Williams, AKA Marnie Michaels on ‘Girls’ was surprisingly perfect. (So funny I literally wrote ravishing in red… but then I went to JustJared.com and saw that they wrote the exact same thing… I’m such a basic bitch! delete… delete… delete…) Anyway her SICK poppy colored Armani Prive dress was to live for!
There you have it! I can’t wait to see you here the day after the Oscars where I’ll rip em a new one and congratulate the few who shone.
Ever wonder what the awards look like before the show and during breaks? Well…BAM!
Backstage and Around the 2015 Golden Globe Awards
Big Photo Cred:
Jlo – Jason Merritt, Getty Images, Rosamund Pike in Vera Wang – WireImage, Jennifer Aniston – Saint Laurent – Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP, Lena Dunham In Zac Posen Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP, Tiziana Rocca NBC via Getty Images, Amy Adams In Versace Jeff Vespa/WireImage, Julianne Moore In Givenchy Couture Jason Merritt/Getty Images, Anna Kendrick In Monique Lhuillier Jordan, Strauss/Invision/AP, Kate Hudson In Versace Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP, Allison Williams In Armani Privé Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP, Backstage Popsugar